Summer is here but Matt is experiencing a brief winter moment.
What the hell happened this week? Why do I feel like I’m recovering from being hit by a truck? As much as people complain about working 9-5, and as much as I know I did when I did it, it gives you structure. Sometimes you wind up in this place where you’re struggling just to get out of your apartment. “What’s he talking about?” Let me start at the beginning.
The stars aligned this week to deliver me with lots of bad news. During the Tony Awards I found out I might lose my apartment — I just got a bed finally from my cousin when he moved to Portland. Yes, that wasn’t so great. I miss my cousin. The apartment struggle went on for a few days and then seemed to fizzle as if it was never an issue. I’m still not convinced that I’ve heard the last of it. Then everyone I’ve ever known in my life came to me with stories of breakups, death, depression, drugs, and the dreaded loss of a job. I actually lost a friend because apparently I wasn’t sympathetic enough to the job loss situation. A part of me didn’t care, it was too much for me to process in one week.
You see, I had things I was dealing with — and I always do. My chosen profession makes me somebody banks don’t want to deal with. It’s impossible for me to get an apartment in this city without subletting. I think I’m very talented but you’re always asking yourself, even when you are working as I am, will I ever achieve that level? But when people start talking about their losses, I often realize that their issues are nothing compared to mine — isn’t that a terrible thing to say? I slept on essentially the floor or some weird bed like contraption with cushioning for over a year here. The ones who compain about their love life make me realize how easily I’m judged. “Oh, you’re an actor.” People thought it was cute two years ago, but people don’t understand why I struggle for this.
Truthfully, some of my friends had legitimate problems. But still, it really took things out of me. What happens to 9-5er on a week like this? They show up to work and go through the motions. What happens to me? I’m accountable to myself — so in my position I kept making lists and didn’t see very much accomplished. I didn’t make it to an audition, I have tons of laundry I’m still telling myself to watch, I’ve been really slow with my web/graphic design stuff and I’m starting to think about money.
This might not be the most interesting blog post, but I think I made a mental note somewhere to include a few more raw posts to the mix. You wanna know what it’s like to be an actor in NYC? Sometimes, it’s like this. Sometimes you feel like you’re treading water in the center of a whirlpool trying to keep your head above water and deciding which way to swim first. Sometimes it gets to you and all you can think of is to keep from being submerged.
