I have a t-shirt that says “Think Negative”. Every time I wear it people look at me funny and then come to the realization that it’s talking about HIV — brilliant slogan. It works because everyone knows that you’re supposed to think positive. Right?

I’m not going to pretend I make lots of money acting. Those of you who’ve read my blog entries can connect the dots. Recently I had to abandon my previous entrepreneurial exploits (web design) when my laptop died. So, I got a job in a restaurant. You know my history with those… the last one I was in was awful. Yet, I’m happy. I’m adjusting to life and my actor life hasn’t come to a stand still. People ask me if I like working at a restaurant and I tell them, for a restaurant, it’s great. I like the people I work with, the management’s great, the money seems like it will be good. I remind them I’m still pursuing acting, but yeah, it’s good. The acting things I’m doing in my life are very fulfilling and I get lots of good feedback from people which makes me happy.

Yet, I have some other friends who are doing amazing things with their careers and are complaining left and right… not enough money… too much rehearsal… not the right role. Sometimes, we find ourselves in positions that should be good but they aren’t. Yet, this isn’t the case with these friends. Yes it’s good, it’s great, but… I had the most amazing experience… but the business is hard and blah, blah, blah. I haven’t had the guts to confront these folks but if you’re reading this, please take it as constructive criticism and don’t get mad at me.

Enjoying your life as a whole is so important. I try to be content no matter what I am doing. Obviously some things get me more excited than others, but if we’re constantly looking ahead to things, we’re never really enjoying anything. Something to think about.

I’ve decided that these postings are going to be a little more personal because I feel the need to write this stuff down. Hope you enjoy.

Nothing in N.Y. comes easy. That’s why when you achieve something you feel like you own the world. At this point in my career though, it doesn’t always take me long to realize I don’t. I’m sitting in Starbucks waiting for my very first rehearsal with Cherub Improv, a group that performs improv comedy at hospital, correctional facilities, nursing homes, etc… It should be an exciting moment. Instead, I’m haunted by my lack of income.

I shouldn’t be worrying about this. I should be in performing RENT. I got cast to do a regional production. But, sadly, I got uncast suspiciously close to my rejection of the producer’s offer to let him be “a bad influence” during the production. “I’m looking forward to being friends, but I meant that in the plutonic sense”, I said shortly after he tried to kiss me. “That’s too bad because I’m not looking for plutonic friends,” he replied. The next day I received a call stating that I was too young to play opposite their Roger.

It happens I guess. It sucked. I missed out on what would have been a lot of money I could’ve made doing bus tours during the holidays. I also canceled lots of day jobs. Then I struggled to find replacements. Standing in the cold handing out flyers seemed most profitable and reliable after going through a slew of other options. But now, even that’s dried up. I’m tired of looking for survival work and feel I’m missing my chance to find actual paying acting work.

I sit in Starbucks lost and feeling too exhausted with the problem to find a solution. Where will I find the energy? I must because I cannot let go of my dreams.