Nothing in N.Y. comes easy. That’s why when you achieve something you feel like you own the world. At this point in my career though, it doesn’t always take me long to realize I don’t. I’m sitting in Starbucks waiting for my very first rehearsal with Cherub Improv, a group that performs improv comedy at hospital, correctional facilities, nursing homes, etc… It should be an exciting moment. Instead, I’m haunted by my lack of income.

I shouldn’t be worrying about this. I should be in performing RENT. I got cast to do a regional production. But, sadly, I got uncast suspiciously close to my rejection of the producer’s offer to let him be “a bad influence” during the production. “I’m looking forward to being friends, but I meant that in the plutonic sense”, I said shortly after he tried to kiss me. “That’s too bad because I’m not looking for plutonic friends,” he replied. The next day I received a call stating that I was too young to play opposite their Roger.

It happens I guess. It sucked. I missed out on what would have been a lot of money I could’ve made doing bus tours during the holidays. I also canceled lots of day jobs. Then I struggled to find replacements. Standing in the cold handing out flyers seemed most profitable and reliable after going through a slew of other options. But now, even that’s dried up. I’m tired of looking for survival work and feel I’m missing my chance to find actual paying acting work.

I sit in Starbucks lost and feeling too exhausted with the problem to find a solution. Where will I find the energy? I must because I cannot let go of my dreams.

For the past few weeks I’ve been going through the songs I know with a fine tooth and comb, selecting one for every occasions. I’ve had to find songs to sing when I’m asked to sing country music, when I’m asked for classical or contemporary music theater, up-tempo or ballad. On top of all of this I’ve had to steer clear of familiar favorites. Supposedly there is no worse crime in an audition than to sing a song from Rent or Wicked.

I can’t say that my process prepared me any for today — but I certainly felt more prepared to knock ‘em dead when I showed up to an audition for Theatreworks today. Theatreworks is a professional union theatre company that tours family oriented shows around the country. I’ve been wanting to do one of their shows since I arrived in New York. So when I showed up today and was informed that they were looking for a pop-rock song, I was a little nervous. I’d not yet found an appropriate pop-rock song to sing — and they’d asked for a contemporary musical theatre selection when they called my manager. Well, I had Beauty School Dropout from Grease and I’ve Got Life from Hair. Neither song seemed right. So, I didn’t do either. I stuck with my original choice. They seemed to like it and when I was done, they asked me to sing something that was a bit more pop-rockish. I explained my situation and offered up Beauty School Dropout. They accepted. Then I read for them. They laughed in all the right spots and then asked me to perform it as if I was a pirate. They enjoyed that and then scheduled me a callback — this time giving me sides (dialog from a scene) for a pirate.

A callback always makes me very happy! This was my first Equity callback in New York — so it was a huuuge thing for me. I was also very excited that they got to see so much of what I could do. As I turned on to 41st street I didn’t think I could be any happier and then I saw it. People had written love letters all over the Nederlander Theatre in honor of Rent, which will be closing on September 7th. “Rent started it all. The love will live on in our hearts, [sic] Thank You Jonathan Larson and OBC”, “Jonathan for 12 years we’ve been the luck ones. Thank you”… All over the front of the building. One man recalled how he’d been considering ending his life but Rent made reconsider and move to New York. Today, he said, he is happy and healthy.

It’s funny, I guess that’s why I couldn’t sing it in auditions. It had touched so many people that everyone wanted to sing it. Seeing these letter was one of the most amazing moving things I’d ever experienced. I want to be a part of something like that. I want to move people in that way. And I will. When I got home, I found a Youtube “confessional” style video by Eden Espinosa who played Elphaba in Los Angeles for such a long time. She talked about how when she first got to New York she auditioned and auditioned and it never seemed like anyone was interested in her. Now she’s living her dreams. I’ll admit that I sometimes felt the same way. This callback today reaffirmed that I’ve got what it takes and these love letters reminded me that it’s so worth going after it.